【你们是我的泪光】

三下乡临出发前，杜辅半开玩笑半认真的对我们说：“要是你们回来的时候把学生都弄哭了，你们就成功了。”彼时从未参加过支教的我对三下乡只有一种单薄的印象，对这个看起来有点夸张的“笑话”半信半疑地一笑置之。

好吧坦白承认吧，自认冷静且泪点不同寻常的我，就这么被你们这帮小孩儿们一击即中了——你们是我的星光，我的泪光。可是，谁来告诉我，当你们和我们都哭了的时候，又算不算是成功呢？

【与三班谈恋爱】

小标题看起来有点暧昧，然而也只有恋爱这个词，能够贴切地诠释我对三班又爱又恨的心情了。

初到三班的时候，我不是不惶恐而忐忑不安的。因为从第一天分班上课的情形来看，三班可算是一众队员口中最棘手的存在。一群正处于青春期的八九年级青少年，抗说教力极高，加上男生顽皮好动，让突然空降成为班主任的我好生紧张了一阵子，甚至有几个给三班备课的晚上，焦虑紧绷到整个人都睡不着觉。

但是当我接触到你们的时候才发现，你们只是别扭得可爱而已，尽管上课时总是矜持着不怎么愿意主动回答问题，实际上却好学得令我感动到不知所措——有人是天天五点起床搭公车赶过来上课，有人已是高中二年级，为了提高自己的英语水平天天和一群初中生一起上课。还有Let’s Go，你刚开始的时候曾经让我们觉得你很嚣张很难搞，殊不知你一直乖乖地帮着我们做各种工作——就像整个三班的风格一样，贴心起来的时候让人超级窝心感动，顽皮起来的时候又让人恨得牙痒痒。

朋友队友都说我是脾气相当好的人，不知道为什么对着有时顽皮吵闹不专心上课的你们一下子就破了功，时常忍不住要发脾气，拍桌子的时候连刚好路过的队长都吓一跳。我冷静下来的时候想，这总算真切明白什么叫“爱之深，恨之切”了，这句话实在是颖婷和我对三班的心情写照。那天早上差点让我们决堤的反思会，下午用差点喊破喉咙的“加油”、被绳子勒出的红痕、练习二人三足时跌跌撞撞的身影充满我记忆的趣味运动会，那张明明是颁给三班你们却硬塞给我的奖状，那个令我又欣慰又生气的朗诵比赛，让颖婷和我哭笑不得的师生超级囧照写真、合唱Be What You Wanna Be，送我的精致的明暗素描、手织小拖鞋、好吃的糯米棒冰，还有好多好多写不完的记忆——是你们，用我已经失落很久的纯粹的感动治愈了我被麻木的心。

【最后的晚餐，最后的谎言】

“捱中意乃地！”

陈定州华伟健李家俊你们几个，陪着我们去买菜，给我们杀价、提东西，还一直喊不热不累不肯吃雪糕，吵闹着又认真地给我们煮了满满一桌子菜，那些心意和美味幸福得我们肚子都凸了出来。平时表面上顽皮好动、没心没肺又别扭的你们，却用行动表达你们的真挚心意。这句从你们身上学来的可爱的客家话“捱中意乃地！”，这句 “我好喜欢你们”，也许是我们唯一能够贴贴切切表达对你们的心声的句子了……真的好喜欢好喜欢你们！

离开的那天简直就像失恋。文艺汇演最后的节目上，我们都忍不住哭了。我一直觉得自己哭起来的样子很丑，所以平时都尽量不哭，却还是败在你们手下、哭得一塌糊涂。汇演结束后我帮忙把凳子搬上三班，还是忍不住拉着瑞玲颖婷像败兵一样逃回宿舍——我怕控制不住自己又要丑丑地哭起来。最后一次，是不得不把一直一直陪着我们等车等了3个多小时、不喊热不喊累不喊饿的你们劝回家，跟你们说我们下午等到你们才走，可你们才走五分钟，车就来了。在车子经过菜市场的路上，我们看到朝着我们的车努力奔跑着过来仍然笑着的镇长，恨不得立马跳下车抱住他说“我们不走了”，我们都哽咽起来……

……想着这个最后的谎言，看着你们对我们留言说：你们骗了我们——心里真的好痛。对不起……

我以为自己已经成年，日渐麻木的我早就刀枪不入百毒不侵，然而年纪小小如你们，你们的真心真意、真挚纯情，对我来说是却是穿肠毒药，一下子把我打得溃不成军，泪光决堤，用一天的时间流光了四年的泪……

可是再舍不得，仍要离开。我只知道时光带得走我们，却带不走你们和我们那些笑容与泪水、真心诚意的记忆——你们是我的星光，我的泪光，永远闪光在我眼眸的深处……

Farewell, My Tears, My Love.

食べ物 & 飲み物

廣福洋蔥牛柳飯馬鈴薯肉絲飯。58度C烏龍綠茶，1/2糖少冰。大叔牛腩腸粉加蘿蔔。

維他檸檬茶加冰。卜卜星燒烤味。雀巢即溶齋啡。便當家茄子飯牛腩飯。

Honey Cake墨魚汁熱狗。悠濃雞蓉玉米即溶濃湯。飯堂黑糯米粥。钜記黑芝麻花生糖。

沙縣炒米粉加香脆蘿蔔。北門麻辣燙。手推車海帶綠豆沙百合蓮子紅豆沙。

仕事 & 行事

暑期三下鄉英德東華支教調研。開會培訓。數學組前期備課。餐飲組。

UCLG面試。家教。口語。歐洲萊茵六國九日。

趣味                                 

Gay Pride Parade in New York, London, Paris, Berlin。小耳廓狐。Paris相關筆記本。

Mr. Brain。和久井雅和、亀梨和也役。中川優、佐藤健役。

美女廚房II。The Big Bang Theory。喜多川歌麿。

想得山莊長夏裏by南枝。折服by洛夜。

希望像这些小家伙们一样，被人好好地照顾着，也抚慰着别人疼痛的心灵。

以上是家住东京都，可爱的小耳廓狐大人们。

这个学期好像总有种倦怠感从骨髓里满溢出来。一点一点地泻出到覆水难收的地步。

Schedule比不上日理万机，专四、团学、课业、家教，却仍做不到像海绵样压榨自己。

是不够狠心吧。大三的忙碌可以预见，也是必须的了。

这样才能找到一块湿湿的抹布去徒劳吸取蔓延到地上的寂寞。

忙碌的时候其实很满足很充实，只是过后更显得形单影只。

除了一起工作的同学们同事们，自己似乎都找不到分享欢欣喜悦、伤悲苦恼的人。

Mia, TT,小白远在他乡，只得越洋电话视频QQ；自己倒是常和波波插科打诨较嘴皮子；即使T同进同出，也有对着手机诉衷情的对象……

寂しいね。有点寂寞啊，像等待着小王子驯养的狐狸一样。

是野生的沙漠耳廓狐呢。没有办法适应独居、在茫茫沙海的狐狸，被人类捉走以后就会慢慢地，慢慢地死去。

其实寂寞惯了，也就觉得无所谓了。生活还是要继续的不是吗。

只是那种骨子里的冷，渐渐变质成浓浓倦怠感，在工作无法占据身体的时候，囚徒般越狱出来。

连耳廓狐都能在东京都安居乐业了。狐狸还在等待小王子吗。

我要更努力一点，我不是玫瑰花，只能守在B621星球的玻璃罩里等待小王子。

去找吧、找吧。小狐狸。

      听力课上看了《四个婚礼一个葬礼》，对葬礼里阴阳相隔的那对Partner特别有感觉，尤其是生的那位在葬礼上年作为悼辞的美籍英国大诗人的诗，凄凉哀伤得不得了。自己试着翻译过来，博大家一笑罢了。

     Funeral Blues 葬歌

                               poem by W. H. Auden, translate by Sera Cheung

       Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, 关掉时钟，拔掉电话
　　Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, 給狗一根肉骨头，让它安静
　　Silence the pianos and with muffled drum 让琴声停下，将鼓蒙起
　　Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. 灵柩抬出，送葬者到临
　　
　　Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead 飞机在天上悲吟
　　Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead. 草草写下：他已死去
　　Put crepe bows round the white necks of public doves, 鸽子雪白的颈项戴着黑纱
　　Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. 交警换上黑色手套
　　
　　He was my North, my South, my East and West. 他是我的东 南 西 北
　　My working week and my Sunday rest, 我的工作日和星期天，
　　My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; 我的正午与午夜，我的字句与歌声
　　I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong. 我以为爱能不朽，却错了
　　
　　The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; 我不再需要天上星辰，把它们扑灭了吧
　　Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; 收起月亮，拆下太阳
　　Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;倾尽海水，扫空林木
　　For nothing now can ever come to any good. 只因 此世再无美事
　　
　　

By Sera Cheung

It’s a hot night, just in front of the No.13 Girls’ Dormitory, always I think. That’s a usual night in May and the mercury in the thermometer has been rising these days, as sales of the magazines covered with young pretty boys in that bookstall which is opposite the dorm. Between the dorm keeper and the various presses, it’s the open space that is the stage of the article you’re reading.

Streetlamps near that place shine with a subtle color, like a block of burnished copper. With that exotic faded light, pouch and black rim of eyes, simpers on faces of the youth can be veiled. So do their discourses under their eyes. On such a summery night, most of student groups in school prefer to have meeting there. 98% of them are girls, while the rest would always be the Jupiter surrounded by secondary planets. Once those boys told a bad joke, the other girls would over-giggle——I’m quite sure that all the pupils of young people at present must blow up for a little.

Anyway, passing by those meeting girls is a miraculous flash fully filled with various scents. Their hair just having been washed and wrapping over their shoulders like soaking wet dark seaweeds, smells exactly like the Cantonese dessert——flowery and sugary, with a hint of artificial fragrance underneath. Mixed with the flavor of shampoos and slightly bitter breeze of plants, girls’ heat of skin gives out to be a breath of summer. It’s a scent of that fancy, green and fresh time which is about to slip by.

Just next to steps on the doorway of No.13 Girls’ Dormitory, there is always a couple acting as Romeo and Juliet every summer night. While the Romeo gazes at her flatly and intently with a long tight embrace, that Juliet stands on the steps——perhaps for a height problem. They hug each other as if something is permanent that sometimes leads some passers-by regard them as a sculpture of behavior art of certain genre.

Looking upon the sky, its color reveals as tobacco burns out to ash. The air is so heavy that the heat adheres to every pore of people’s skin. Wind is hot, youth is hot, hormone and pheromone is hot, and everybody as everything is hot too.

——Impressions on Salim & Slumdog Millionaire

I have to admit that until tasting back on Slumdog Millionaire once again did I had deep touched feeling on the “bad guy”, Salim.

Salim is shaped as a typical character that is the inverse of the hero, Jamel. Compared to his biological brother, Salim didn’t trust in “love” at all (maybe that’s the only characteristic that a hero has to have). He told Jamel to forget Latika 3 times. In my opinion, Latika means love, hope and naiveté in that movie. What he told to Jamel was what indeed he wanted to tell himself. In Indian slum, such a cruel jungle, those 2 tiny kids were not able to live on the persistence of love. Giving Latika away, staining her, separating her from his brother, which Salim did was trying to destroy all the pure things in their life, then he would have no Achilles’ heel.

But even in such a cruel world, Salim still believed in the cruel god, not loves. Though he did a lot of “dirty things”, paradoxically Salim was a fatalist. It’s a loveless world, and Salim was not the one beloved. According to the Caste system and the belief in karma of previous life in India, those slumdogs are the humblest and can never get rid of the awful life. The noble are noble, and the humble are destined to be humble forever and ever. Isn’t it like that common people’s attitude to those good or bad guys? So Salim, a fatalist, just did what people thought he was bound to do. That’s all his life.

“In our world there is the light and the dark, and the thing between them.” At the end of that movie, Salim died in a bathtub that was fully filled with banknotes, holding tightly the gun that just killed the big boss. Salim was a “bad guy” but did the last but one good thing. Between dark and light, he was grey.

竟然在收拾房间的时候，发现了当时记录下来的短信对话。

越是甜蜜，越是悲哀。

心脏跳得好疼。疼得好想把它挖出来。

那时冷静的我，还是要在现在被你逼的崩溃吗？

我不介意你完成不了承诺，不介意你说的慢慢来如同流沙漏出指间，不介意你摧毁我的信任，不介意你连出现都不敢的懦弱。

可是，原来我只是个迟钝的，自尊高傲的，傻瓜而已。又傻又笨又敏感，活该会受伤的笨蛋。

我不在乎你。可是我在乎你留下的伤痕。

不想独自一人，却发觉夜阑人静，凌晨四点。

眼泪干涸如同被禁锢，连哭都哭不出来。

号泣する準備はできていた。

标题是江国香织的名作，好想大哭一场。

却终究是想而已。

——原来的原来，我最害怕的东西，竟是回忆。

五音不全。我要飛得更高。T, K, S, I love all of u.

SITS.

Ice Age. Kongfu Panda.

真的很愛很愛你們。很開心。很感動。很想哭。

前進前進前進進！

如果我是个日程强迫症病人，那么我就会把日程表细致到极点，强迫自己完成所有计划和任务。

如果我是个省钱强迫症病人，那么我就会天天远离学校外的阿姨靓汤、蒸膳美、木桶饭、广福等等，强迫自己每餐都到二饭吃3块2毛一份的饭。

如果我是个宅女强迫症病人，那么我就会每周末都强迫自己宅在宿舍或者家里的电脑前面，并且额外完成省钱强迫症的任务。

如果我是个反淘宝强迫症病人，那么我就会强迫自己把淘宝的帐户都取消、坚决不充值，并且再一次额外完成省钱强迫症的任务。

如果我是个博客强迫症病人，那么我就会强迫自己天天上来写博客，并且不会像现在这样半个月才写一篇博。

如果我是个强迫症病人。

可惜，我现在还不是。

P.S. 现在，我是三观不正宇宙无敌绝望美少女。Orz.